i had a dream last night we drove out to see Las Vegas

A couple weeks ago i had the opportunity to go to the Mayday Parade video shoot for my new favorite song "Jamie All Over". I can't stop listening to it. I love love love this song. Here are a couple pics from the shoot.

i want a french bull dog and i want to name him lance.

anyyyyyyway here's something my sister recently came across...she was looking for a binder and found one with this in it. I vaguely remember making my mom a mothers day poem book when i was younger. This is what was left of it. As you can see my spelling/grammar hasn't improved, but i was still great with words. on the back i glued this great polaroid...my photography skills were clearly evident from an early age. pictured is my father in his now trashed toupee and shorts that could pass for tighty whities. why i thought my mother (or people that read my blog...is there anyone out there?) would enjoy this, i'll never know.


TGIF!!!
ps - vinnie magic rules at life and i thank big tuna for inviting him out tonight.

"boardy barn isn't open on fridays"

tonight we went to the pour house for some food/drinkies. Tuna fell off his bar stool. It was like slow motion. I'm sorry for laughing.
this is what makes my ride home bearable (not in a fun furry way):

parades make me cry like a baby.

coincidently, my niece, who is 2, did not cry.

I found this out in 2002 during a trip to Disney World while watching the "Good Morning" parade. I was a babbling brook and i blamed it on pms at the time. All i could think of was how happy the kids who got to ride the train and open the gates were and how they'd have that memory for the rest of their life.

This memorial day was pretty much the same thing, only no mickey or minnie, just sailors & shiz...it was more like a "Good Mourning" parade. I started thinking how every year, for as long as i can remember, on the last monday of every may, i sit in the same spot and watch different variations of the same parade. I used to sit in front of pizza hut & get carvel. Now we sit in front of the bmw dealerships and get slurpees form the 7/11. Everything in town can change, except the parade.
i really lost it when i saw this little boy holding up a "thank you" sign. Good thing i was wearing sunglasses so no one could see tears streaming down my sunburned face.
we came home and had a small bbq. this picture makes me know everything will be ok no matter how bad things could ever get.

"you look like my dog"

It's that time of year again. It didn't even feel like i hadn't been back since September. i imagine my feelings to be something like that new Narnia movie (at least from what i get the commercial - it was 3 months in my lifetime, but 3,000 in theirs).

So Sunday we made the trip to Narnia (also known as the Hamptons...if only getting there was just as easy). I woke up at 7 AM, drove to Wantagh, got on an 8AM train, got to Hampton Bays at 10AM and then finally made our way to Boardy Barn. We got online at 10:30 and there we stood for SIX long hours. Never in my life have i waited on line that long for anything. Not for ride at Disney World, not for Spice Girl tickets, not for ANYTHING. But honestly, I didn't mind. I probably would have waited longer because I know just what amazing things are underneath that tent. Within 10 minutes i drank 6 beers, had my flip flop ripped apart by a beast of a woman and was wearing a big fake gray mustache. One boy affectionately told me i looked like his dog. Within 20 minutes i was 10 beers in and was giving people that walked by nicknames like "SPANISHHHH!". At one point i had my stack of cups up to 16. I was so excited when all of a sudden a friend was like "if they see your stack getting too high they kick you out" and ripped them out of my hands. I think this was a lie and he was jealous i had out drank him so far.

We sat with 3 cops on the train ride home. This policeman accused me of littering and....littering and....littering anddd smokin' the reefer. Not really but as Rocks said "he's a total supertrooper". I asked over and over if i could try on his cuffs. He refused.

not pictured:

• make outs
• spanish
• the squealing/sipping boy
• sunburns.
  

Basically 60....

Last night Shana, Andrew & myself decided to go to bell. The drew picked me up so i didn't have to take the bus but explained that we would be making a stop before he took us to our final destination.
"I have to pick up some art from a friend at this bar called Knights"
hearing this, i think there's a new bar called Nights that sounds really posh & swanky. Knowing bell like the back of my hand i wonder why i have never noticed this and why on earth an artist would be hanging out there. We pull up and Andrew makes a call to the artist saying he thinks we're outside...outside OF A KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS HALL. We go upstairs and it's like we've kinda sorta not really walked in to that scene from 10 things i hate about you with the biker bar. Old bald men with greasy fingers smoking cigars, chain ball necklaces and Hatebreed blasting out of the speakers.
Andrew: Do a shot with me real quick
me: waitwhatwhy?
Andrew: i'll explain later. 2 shots of jamison please.
i texted Rocks immediately after i do my shot: my mouth wants to die.
we shake some hands and run out. in the car we both look at each other like WHAT?!

While we were waiting for Shana to finish watching American Idol (lame - although i head a dude named David Cook won. Jamie's dad wants me to meet & marry him bc he's "edgy" and i could keep my last name - just what i've always wanted. seriously.) we have a sit and start drinking once the bartender finally believes i'm almost 24. Shana shows up and we decide to do some shots. Now, i have recently read the most amazing book in the world "i hope they serve beer in hell" and Tucker Max is my new role model. The book has kind of challenged me, if you will, to do bad things. This does not bode well for Ashley and my nonexistent criminal record as of yet.

We wound up going to another bar, taking more shots, drinking more beer and Ashleycat came out to play. Immediately after I told my favorite bartender "I have never and will never puke in your bar", i puked in the bar. I opened up a tab, start texted/party fouling left and right. It's time to go home. I do not remember the ride, or walking in to my house, but vaguely remember sitting on the couch eating chips with my dad, in complete silence. I reached the level of drunk i could not speak, yet could still insult people via AIM. Sorry boys!

This morning i woke up in half of my clothes, hand on my laptop that was in my bed, next to my book - i apparently attempted to read? I get an IM from matt saying "you were drinking last night weren't you?" Oh gawd. What did i do? Well i'll tell you! I texted him "explain why you love me now". On the train i'm bbm-ing shana trying to figure out what happened last night & how much i spent. She said she saw me put my receipt in my wallet. I look and find this gem: After spending $40 cash, i spent basically $60 on my credit card.

Way to go Ashleycat. Way. To. Go.

oh hello!

The summer of 2006 was a strange one. Ali and I were mourning our departure from Oneonta and didn't understand the concept of paying more than $1.50 for beers. July came around and Jamie wanted to do something special for her birthday. Being the tart she is, she tells us this place she's heard fairy tails about: The Boardy Barn.
"c'mmmmmon guyyyyyys. it's my birthday. it'll be AWEEEEsome. we can drink in the sun all day."
me & ali were like eh. i dunno bout this. the hamptons are expensive... and guidos (jamie likes guidos - she can huff & puff till she's blue in the face and say she hates them. but she's a liar), there's bound to be guidos.
then jamie says the magic words: "$2 beers". al & i were sold.
Now let me explain how the boardy barn works for the unfamiliar:

• it is only open Sundays (unless it's a holiday - then maybe it's open on a saturday or monday)
• it's only open from 3PM - 8PM (they stop serving alcohol at 7:45 - so you can sober up & drive home). Unless it's a holiday weekend. then it MIGHT be open from noon - 8.
  
• if they're opening the barn doors at 3PM, you must get online at 11AM so you're actually let in at 3PM. Otherwise you're sitting online till 5PM waisting precious drinking hours.
  
• there's a cover charge of $10
  

Jamie did not explain any of this to us.
Me, Ali, Jamie, Rocks and one of Jamie's friends i will name "Sketchers", meet up at the Bethpage train station at 11 AM. Two trains, a cab and a couple hours later we arrive at this place. A huge dirt field with people on a line that goes so far i can't see the end, waiting to get in to a place that's covered with what looks like the Ringling Bros. big top. WTF?!
After waiting on line for what seems like forever, we're almost in. I have my I.D ready and am looking forward to the minute that $2.00 beer hits my lips. We get to the bouncer - and let me say this - the boardy barn has tighter security than the FBI - hand him our licenses, are completely stared down to the point that i'm not even sure if i really am 21 anymore, and finally get the wave of approval. I'm so close to being in, i can smell the hops when we hit another road block. "10 dollars please". JAMIE WHAT THE FUCK! I throw boss lady an Alexander Hamilton & run to the bar fast as my flip flops will take me.

Once i'm there, i look at the clock and i ask "how many can i order at a time?"
bartender: 6
ashley: give me 6 (realize we only have about 3 hours to drink)
this presents a problem: How does one hold 6 beers? (i have since realized to wear overalls which fits cups nicely with out spilling if you don't move much.)
this results in chugging. i look around, realize how amazing this place is. I am in love and then ashleychugssixbeers. I stack up my cups and realize maybe i should just order 4 next time. Well, here is another dilema: ashleycantburp. 10 beers and 20 minutes later everything has gone to shit. I'm puking in a port-a-potty while Rocks takes pictures, (this was taken in between puke sesh's)
Ali's off making out with someone & Jamie has lost a $250 earing she got from her mom for her birthday. (I forget "Sketchers" even came with us until i later run in to her, when she wasn't watching and i was too drunk to feel her cigarette burn my through flesh - i still have a scar 2 years later.)

Sidenote - we got Jamie to make out with an ugly fat dude because it was his birthday too. We took pictures, she cried.

I may not know how to burp, but i am the queen of puke & recovery....so that's how i spent the rest of my first time at boardy barn till it closed, we were kicked out, and ali tried to sprint to 711 to get some buttered roles before catching the train back - telling cops she'll make it because she's a track star (obvious lie). We get on the train. Rocks & I sit in cubbies, i puke some more, ali & i start a slapping match -THAT THE TRAIN CONDUCTOR ENCOURAGES - so bad we wound up with bruises, and then she pushes me down a flight of stairs.

And that is most of the story of our first boardy barn. Since then we've gone back many a times, the hamptons have kinda become like a second summer home and things have gotten even more out of hand thanks to my aunts house...but that first time holds a very special place in my heart.

i will never forget that day last summer when i was peeing, looked up and screamed over to Ali: WHEN DID THEY WRITE SHA-BOOM ON THE CEILING?!

thinking about being able to start this all over again this weekend makes me giddy. it's like christmas eve and i'm getting the best present in the world.

the city is at war...

sometimes i love this place.
sometimes i can't describe how badly i want out...but that usually comes with a momentarily loss of judgment (similar to when i get my forearm tattooed).


today i had to deposit a check for BigTuna and got in a fight at the bank. It went something like this:
OldLady to my teller: I just wanted to let you know this girl is a line jumper.
Me: Excuse me ma'am, i'm not a line jumper
OldLady: you were behind me and were served before me. you are a line jumper.
Me: Ma'am. I came over here because it says business transactions. I'm doing a business transaction, therefore i didn't need to stand on your line and did not line jump.
OldLady: Yea right you're doing a business transaction.
Me: MA'AM! What?! Does it not look like i could work for a business
OldLady as she looks me up in town: LINEJUMPER!

thisismylife.

"any one could have missed that step"

Tonight me & dad went to the Mets game. It was awesome to spend some quality time together.
The Mets lost.
not pictured: dad falling up the stairs after trying to get a picture with Mr. Met.

if only duct tape could fix everything

we're all too small to talk to God

the good life.

there's more coming...

and like a terrible fart, i can't hold this one in any longer.
my heart is full. these are a couple of the reasons why.

best day ever

the class of 2008.

can't wait for warped tour.

next stop 34th street?

yesterday when i was on the train and old man with no front teeth asked
"...next stop thirty..thirty...?"
and i said "yep, 34th street".
"oh God Bless you thank you" he says
"no problem"
"what a beyootifull pin"
"thank you" i say
"my wife, back home, i would always try to buy her things, but no. she only would wear her wedding ring"
"oh, where are you from"
"Afghanistan" he says
"oh wow"
"i won scholarship to UCLA for Law to come here many years ago. the Taliban with their beards ruin everything".

we talk a little more when the train conductor says "this is 34th street"

"what nation are you from" he says
"queens"
"....and you are a queen, god bless, good night"

happy birthday to my best friend

i can officially say i've known him for half my life. Today the only boy that's never broken my heart & always loved me turned 12. This may be the creepiest blog post ever, but i dedicate it to my cat, Basil.
my Nana got me Basil for my 12th birthday bc our cats kept dieing of weird diseases. She told me she was going to get be a purebred cat that wouldn't come with any diseases - like kitty aids or leukemia. So, i got out the cat books and decided which breed i wanted. Originally it was a Scottish Fold bc they're scottish & like to swim and so am i (i'm wearing our swim team shirt in that pic up there - i still have it - actually what's more scary? this blog or having a shirt for 12 years?). Anyway, i think i was teetering between a Scottish Fold & a Siamese when i decided i'd get a Siamese bc they have blue eyes (like me) and kind of look like Casper - which i was obsessed with at the time. In fact, Basil's name was supposed to be Casper, but since he was show cat material, the breeder said that wasn't a proper name.

happy birthday to the best cat in the world!