"1 margarita on the rocks please"

Aruba... arubaarubaaruba. let's review:

Thursday morning I was woken up at 5:45 to get on a plane to One Happy Island called Aruba. In the airport i bought 3 magazines and the new David Sedaris book (which might be my fave so far of his) - how it cost me $40, i'll never know. We waited and waited to get on the plane. When we finally boarded I was stuck next to the lovebirdies known as my sister & her boyfriend that read Cosmo together. I love my sister & i'm glad she's found happiness and love and all that jazz, but this is what i don't understand: how do you hold hands with someone for 4 hours and 45 minutes straight? don't your palms get sweaty? it made me sick to my stomach, but it's cool bc i didn't my stomach pill before the ride back. Use your imagination. Let's just say my sister & I are about even now.
So we land and we're greeted at the door by my family and a kind man giving out drinks. After mass hysteria/jetlag/chugging, it was off to the room i'd share with my SNORING parents for the next 4 days to freshen up and prepare for the beach. I got down to the water, beers in hands and it was amazing. exactly how i remembered it 6 years before. Crystal clear happiness. My bro rented us some jet skis and off we went. I have NEVER been on one before so i was terrified but after a couple minutes i was like "aright aright! i CAN do this!" i practiced some figure 8's and donuts. it was awesome. Later that night we went to a place called Texas De Brazil where my parents friend works. We had this sick glassed-in private room where we all sat, drank and argued. My brother started a fight with me spitting out phrases like "you'll never get a married bc you're not independent and still live at home and you're spoiled". I had been drinking and went right for the horrific stab in the chest comeback of "You're just mad they love me more". This was a bad idea. He left, my mom started yelling at my dad for not defending me, yada yada yada, they brought out a birthday cake (which was awesome - it had the Arubian flag & my name on it) and my brother refused to sing. Sorry Taylor.
Day 2 rolled around and it was time to go on an advencha. We decided snorkeling would be grand and boarded "Mi Dushi". Probably the best name for a boat in the entire world. It means "My Sweetheart" and will be my new favorite word. My cousin Peter was too hung over to go and spent the day at the hotel. While on our fishing trip i saw starfish, nemos and jumped - and by jumped i mean fell - off a rope swing. I landed right on my chesticles. I've never been in more pain. Blogger allows me to upload the video - however, it's way too embarrassing. Once we got to land i decided to drink. heavily. After a couple margaritas on the rocks, Ashleycat decided she wanted to play. I came to my senses and realized this was a terrible idea and passed out. I don't really remember the rest of that night. It may or may not have included losing money in the slot machines.


The next day or so was spent going to town (where were told Justin Timberlake & Jessica Beil were in town for Timbalands wedding) and laying around the pool/beach. I believe i was sitting in the pool sipping on a mudslide when i looked over and saw none other than Chris Cornell (not the merch God, but of Sound Garden fame). No one believed me. "That guys too skinny" "Chris Cornell would never wear a pink bathing suit" "That dude's European" they all said. So they started screaming "CHRIS! CHRISSSSS". I was mortified. Long story short - they finally all believed me, it was Chris Cornell and we wound up being on the same flight back to NY. I wanted to die.

So that was that. Most of what happened in Aruba. Once i upload the rest of my pictures, you'll get more posts.

EDIT:
Here are more pics:

the pen15 club.

Doug invited all of us to join yesterday.

anywayyyyy holy hangover batman! Monday night we to celebrate my birthday at the Habachi grill on bell with my family - aunts, cousins & all. Our cook thought i was turning 18 and threw shrimp at my mouth. Well after 4 bottles of Saki, Ashleycat decided she wanted to come out and play . I took the 4th to go, shoved it in my purse, tried to get to the parking lot by walking through Duane Reed w/my cousin, taking sips while we walked up & down the isles. I think i was trying to pull a Shia LaBeouf.
We all got home, where i found a bouquet of the most prettiest flowers from the one and only Russ on my bed. Every year that boy has brought me a bouquet and written a special note on the first thing he could find. A couple years ago it was a $1 bill. This year was the flowers wrapping. The first year he did it, my mom and dad sat me down and were like "Ashley, i think you have a stalker, we may need to call the police". After I opened up some cards and Golden Girls season 2 on DVD - which i'm currently watching - (thank you SHAN!!!), Russ took me & my cousin to the bar. This was probably a terrible idea and the place where i started harassing people via text. I'm sorry to all that were effected.

I woke up in my sisters bed in all my clothes, completely drunk, when my family left for Aruba at 5 am. I stood on our door step yelling "please let me come with you now. PLEASEEEEE!". I fell back to sleep and woke up 4 hours later still completely wasted. I was hungover till i woke up this morning. it was all bad, but a great birthday.

Tomorrow morning i'm boarding a plane to Aruba! See ya in a couple days bitches.


ps - feel free to use my new word "Guidon't"

p.p.s - why am i covered in extreme bruises?

happy 24.

this has been a great weekend. today, june 16, 2008, i turn 24. i get nervous around my birthday bc of several that didn't go so swell. here are a few examples:

• my 14th when no one at school believed it was my birthday and so i walked home all moopey, only to get home and find I was locked out, had to sit in 90 degree heat for a while, and had to bake my own cake.
• or my sweet 16 when none of the boys that i invited showed up. and the one that did, came with a girl i didn't even like that much and my entire family freaked out and my Chinese aunt ran around the house screaming "A BOY'S HERE! A BOY IS HEREEEE! TAKE THE FOOD BACK OUT OF THE FRIDGE"
  
• how's about my 6th birthday when i wished for a pink purple and blue cat and had my dreams crushed when my mom told me they didn't exist and then this kid Ryan took my play-doh and mashed all the colors together. i can't stand when people do that. Why would anyone want brown play-doh?
  
• maybe my 10th birthday party at splash splash when my sister & a very chubby me went down the really really big slide and bc i was so much bigger then her i almost flew off the entire thing and died? not only that i had to walk around in a soggy bathing suit all day and got a urinary track infection. TMI? maybe.
  
• perhaps my 21st birthday we celebrated on Bell bc it's the only place most people could get in? I did too many shots, lost part of my shirt, came home crawled to the bathroom and bumped in to a wall on the way to puke & passed out while my other friends crept around the house till 6 am while one friend gave another friend a blowJ and my mom caught them? My mom was nice enough to finish the dishes till they finished.
  
• my 22nd birthday where i was forced to go to the CRAZY DONKEY. Was that the time that a bride showed up in her wedding gown? i mean things could have been worse, i could have been her, right?
  

One of the most special bdays to date was last years...having a joint birthday party w/Doug at the bar and everyone showing up which meant so so so much to me. Taking the daily news truck home at 6am bc we were too tired to walk. Going out to the hamptons for long island party and the rest of the weekend, boardy barn, my aunts house, and the birth of the wormers.

This weekend was up there though. The tiki bar was awesome. i think i spent about 100$ in the photobooth. Thank you for showing up if you were there. Ashleycat came out, was dropped on the ground, harassed by a man named "Maltood" and later walked to 7/11 with Rocks at 5am for Pringles Selects which i later threw up. After a quick haircut it was off to the hamptons - sans Shana =0(. Our hotel had the cutest little dock (more on that in a minute) where we set up shop and read "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" out loud to each other till it was time to go to dinner.
We had Hamptons "Asian Fusion" and got awesome fortunes. Sorry for my "i'm gonna fucking kill you face":
After dinner we went over to Beach Bar to get fudup. I'll repost part of Darren's bulletin to explain this experience:

And a huge huge badge of props goes to my girls from queens that showed up at 8pm and all but one of them made it all the way till last call at 3:45am. Not only did you rsvp for the guestlist, you didn't even need to use it since you showed up when we opened the doors for business.

We showed up before there was money in their registers and stayed outside drinking in a monsoon till 4 am, making new friends and finding old ones. Ali was the one that didn't make it till 4, but it worked out great...i'll get in to that in a second. We took a cab that stopped at 7/11 and bought like 8 bags of chips so if company came over, we'd be able to feed them - that's the italian in Jamie - always wanting to provide. While in sevs, i vaguely remember meeting 3 new people and as soon as we saw the wedding ring on one of the dudes finger we ran away. We got back to our hotel and had a dance party/jumped all over ali and decided i should go jump off the dock. The water was so warm and awesome until i realized i wanted to get out bc the muddy bottom was freaking me out. Problem: I have no upper arm strength and everytime i tried to push off the muddy bottom i would sink a little more and couldn't get out of the water. 15 panicked! minutes later i somehow swung my leg around a wooden pole and got out, scraping up legs on barnacles. all bad. i look like a crack whore that skipped around a cactus farm in shorts. We all went back to the room and feel asleep with the radio blaring. (ps - i'm obsessed w/the new Pussy Cat Dolls song and hate myself for it)

Now on to Ali's departure: She left the bar bc she had the spins & wanted McDonalds. When we woke up this morning and looked at our phones to see the damage, ali had 4 missed calls and 2 texts. She was all "who's phone did you guys text me from last night" and the rest of this convo went like this:
Us: UHHHH no one?
Ali: Oh great, who'd ya give my number to last night?
Us: UHHHH no one.
Ali: Oh shit. Did i do this one on my own?
Us: looks like it, douche.
So we called the dude back just playing around. Her first question: Hey, i forgot - how do you spell your name? "R-O-B" he says. Duh! Turns out Ali made friends in the cab back home. After check out we wound up going to their house and spent most of the afternoon there hysterically laughing. those dudes may be the male versions of the wormers. I peed my shorts from laughing so hard when we were trying to leave and they got down on the dirt road in protest, in front of my car.

we got home and i gave my dad his fathers day presents - a card, framed picture of him & my niece and what i thought was a tank top from a store in the hamptons. He put it on and looked at me funny. Turns out it wasn't a tank top, but TOTALLY A FUCKING DRESS. yep. i got my dad a dress for fathers day. and like a great dad, he said "thanks so much!", put it on and walked around the house in it all night.


anyway: happy belated fathers day dads and a big thanks to my parents for getting it on and making me 24 years ago.

you clicked your heels and wished for me.

that's probably my favorite lyric off the new panic record.

Question: why do some older men feel the need to wear spandex shorts with out anything underneath them? i'm talkin' to you strawberry shortcake! While walking to the N this evening i encountered a gentleman that was wearing skin tight red bike shorts and a red fish net tank top, sans bike. His junk looked like a coiled killbasa which made me want to kill myself. After reviewing his outfit, i wondered why he was wearing clothes at all. It clearly left nothing up to the imagination but left the taste of vomit in my mouth. thanks dude.

let's review what else happened today, shall we?
- i had a redbull which wasn't a great idea and was left with a crippling headache for a while. Why do i never learn my lesson???
- i left the office with Doug, and while we were walking down the street he spit. This wouldn't have been a problem if a large gust of wind hadn't swept in right as the saliva left his mouth which then transferred it to my face. i almost peed my pants from laughing so hard.
- had a lovely dinner w/shana and went to some sad cheap stores after. the good news is i got some new jeans & sunglasses with out breaking the bank.

anyway, here's the pic of the day.
this is from last years civic tour and was taken just about a year ago. it was so hot in philly that day. i can't believe it's been a year. i also can't believe that there's only a couple more dates left on this years civic tour. man, time flies.

i caught lightning

i don't know how great this picture is, but it's one of my proudest. i can't decide if i like it au-natural or docta peppa'd up.
the storms have been crazy lately and i love them. i love love love when it gets so hot and rains and then, when it's over you can see the steam rising up from the street. it reminds me of something but i can't put my finger on it. on nights like this i wish i was in a glass room reading a book, watching the storm. Speaking of weather, it's been so freakin hot out i think my mind has melted. We went to the beach sunday and i'm red and splotchy. ashleycat fails at putting on sun tan lotion. i must work on this before Aruba.

i didn't know what else to do, so i started a food fight

today shana, luke & i went to the mocca art fest.
it was so so much fun. there were so many amazing things to look at. sometimes it was hard to tell where one piece ended and another one began. I found the questionablecontent booth as soon as i could and was able to get one of the 1oo not so secret anymore prints. Daran Daran will now be stuck in your head forever. Here it is:

Instead of telling jeph how much i loved his comic when he was sketching free art, i quietly whispered "may i please have something very special?" in a very high pitched/squeeling voice.
this is what he drew me:
i think it means more to me than/then (i never know which is the right one) anything i bought today.

i also got this sweet piece by tara mcpherson. it has the shiniest finish i've ever seen in my life. the greens pop into your face. i'm excited to eventually move out, get it framed & hang it in my own grown up living room

after the fest we went & got (mmmmm)margaritas & bar hopped for a lil bit. this was delish but gave brain freeze like a bitch.
boardy barn tomorrow!
also, can't wait for aruba.

"hi, i'm ashleycat, i thought we'd met"

Last night we went out for Scotch Tape's birthday. We had a lovely dinner filled with lots of red wine and laughs (cheeeeeezy). But seriously, we told that story about Doug ripping his underwear off at the table. I think i almost died, even though it was the third time i had heard it that day. After that, I was dragged to a new bar called Ace. Thank you for dragging me. It may be one of my new favorite spots. Any place that integrates ski ball & beer gets a stamp of approval in my book. It even had a Family Guy pin pall machine. So cool. If i was writing this on BBM, this is where I'd put the thumbs up sign.

Going to the new ale house in a little bit. It's not as good as the old one, but it might pass the test. We'll see.

Can't wait for tomorrow! I'm going here. I will run over to J. Jacques's booth and blabber on and on about how much i love his comic and have a little crush on Marten (yes, the cartoon). Then sunday it's BOARDYBARN! I CANT WAIT!!!!!!

Here's 2 more oldies bc i have nothing new to show you.

capturedoldies

i have nothing new or interesting to say except congrats to the red wings. hmph. let's review shall we?

this is from when me, mom & dad went to the planting fields last summer. i feel like something funny happened this day, but i can't remember what. the only story that comes to mind, which has nothing to do with this picture, is the time my parents asked if i wanted to go to the aquarium. They told me to pack my cameras so i could take some awesome pictures. I was 20 years old and so excited to get to go see the dolphins at the brooklyn aquarium, i couldn't get in to the car fast enough. we started driving down the road, but didn't get on the parkway. "maybe they have a new way of getting there" i thought. We kept driving and finally my dad pulled over. I looked out and saw the sign for FISH TOWN USA. what?! I looked at my parents confused and they just started cracking up. They each knew that by aquarium, they really meant the fish store. I however didn't get the memo. They made me get out of the car and walk around the pet store like we were really at an aquarium...even suggesting what to take pictures of. ah yes....whattafamily.
these guys are precomputercrashof2006 when i lost all my photographs. i love love love this picture. i wish i hadn't lost the original. it was from when Nana Bunny was moving out of her house and Shan & I went over to watch her grandkids.
i think this is from the nassau county fair a couple years ago. <3. You probably see a pattern in my pictures. My most favorite things to photograph are ferris wheels and other carnival wonderment.

RIP Goldie Hawn (the fish, not the actress)

Goldie Hawn, my beloved "Strawberry Festival" fish has already passed. She was found flopping around the living room floor this morning. My mother thinks the cat wanted to play with her. I think she may have been suicidal. My mom rushed her back in to the carafe and she was still a live. It was a miracle and i was ready to call the Vatican. A couple hours later i got a text saying she was sleeping with the fishes. Literally. Goldie has since been flushed down the toilet. In related news, so has the real Goldie Hawn's carreer. Can i get a HEYOOOOH?

Here are some more pics from yesterday. I love that we can be anywhere and jamie pulls out her make up bag and starts freshening up.

ps...i want this to happen:

i'm thinking about giving up and becoming a LARPer

so serious. This is why

today Shana, Jamie & I went to the "Strawberry Festival" in Bellmore. I say "Strawberry Festival" in quotes bc i didn't really see any strawberries....but had some good cheese fries. We found the game where you throw balls in to little bowls and try and win fish...which btw - so much harder than beer pong. So jamie buys the balls (duh she's good with them) and starts tossin. Me & Shana start screaming "WOOOO! YOU GOT ONE!!!" (which isn't remotely true) Jamie believes she's won a fish and keeps throwing balls and gets another one. So we call the lady over and we're like "she got 2 balls!" (HEYOOOH that's what she said!). I told Jamie I'd take care of one of the fish. The lady scoops out the first fish. Kind of like a Price Is Right prize pack, Jamie examines the fish but decides to pass off prize number 1 with hopes the second is better. And man was she right! That bitch got an extra fish in her bag. So now i have a gold fish named Goldie Hawn. This brought us to Target to get fish bowls where we tried to play the 1 item or less game. 44$ dollars later, i have 5 packs of Orbitz gum (they have new flavors), a dress and a wine carafe to put Goldie in.

me & Goldie:

fish scam