I Don't Want A Lot For Christmas, I Won't Even Wish For Snow

Today around 3:30 the whole entire office took a field trip to Washington Square Park. FOB was set to do a mini guerrilla style performance. More & more kids started to show up & the air began to get thick with anticipation. While we waited for FOB, miss erica dagley & madam perry helped me figure out why dudes shirts have buttons on the wrong side. It's something that has perplexed me for years. Now I know the answer. Anyway, the fall out kids finally showed, but unfortunately, plans were cut short thanks to the fine men in blue who keep this city safe from rogue performers.
As we headed back to the office, I got to be the keeper of the megaphone that we had purchased for today's event. Because it wasn't used in the park, we decided to pop its cherry & bother as many people as we could on our return trip to the factory.

Ant started screaming "its not that warm out" to people with out jackets and I let people know where they could find christmas trees. I felt giddy & drunk with power. That's when Lullo, who was walking ahead of us & carrying a guitar, smacked a beagle in its poor little face. Cue me laughing so hard I almost pee me pants (similar to the situation last night when I got body checked in a cross walk, after a lil kid screamed "OOOOPS! I farted!"). I have poor bladder control. In fact, I've actually been banned from Denny's in Oneonta bc of an "incident". Reason #27 why I don't have a boyfriend.

But back to the megaphone. I will become super annoying & overuse said megaphone if it stays in my possession. Pleasedon'ttakeitaway.

When I returned to my desk, I found a glorious ziplock bag filled with delicious Hugs. Sean R. (Is that your middle initial?) Gould did the sweetest thing ever. You see, last week him & I had a long conversation about Hugs Vs. Kisses, (Hershey Style) and I told him that I preferred the Hugs (ain't that the truth). This lead to a whole other conversation about how white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all. I still don't know whether to believe this or not. Regardless, Hugs are scrumptious & that was one of the nicest things anybody has ever done for me!

This is what i did when i got home tonight. We put on some Christmas tunes and started decorating the tree. I feel i've captured my father pretty well here: concentrating super hard & placing tinsel, strand by strand, on select branches. Another one of my favorite ornaments: I got this in Disney World, on the first vacation i ever took with out my family. I will never forget the plane ride home when we got in trouble for being too loud & i was pissed i missed the episode of The O.C where Luke's dad came out of the closet. This was way before JetBlue let you watch tv, DVRs & some fancy shmancy machine called TiVo were invented, and it'd been too long for people to remember how to tape directly to VHS. I've still yet to see this episode and, not gonna lie, i'm still a bit upset.

Is that a polar bear directing traffic down there?

How many entires have i started off complaining about my stomach? I am a glutton for punishment. Oh, whoa is me. Tonight we went for a lovely Wormer dinner (sans Rocks, enter sad face here) at The Heartland Brewery. I caved when i saw how delicious things looked on the menu. Burgers! Buffalo Chicken Spring Rolls stuffed with Blue Cheese! Beer! Ice Cream! I didn't care the pain it would cause me later, i wanted it alllllll. Fast forward 5 hours and I want to barf over every single Christmas decoration that's in my house. Self Control Fail.

Other than the gurgling in my tum tum, Wormer dinner was absolutely, posatootly, lovely. We walked up to 30 Rock to see the Tree, the windows at Lord & Taylor & Saks and the snowflake light show.
Once we were done pushing our way through the masses, we crossed the street and went over to St. Patrick's Cathedral and lit some candles.
I came home and watched a couple hours of fine programing on TLC, with Mom. I got to see that great documentary on Shiloh Pepin, the mermaid girl, again. I want to take little Shiloh under my wing and play older sister to her. My favorite quote of hers and new words to live by are "I can be anything i want when i grow up. I can be an actress, I can be a princess....I can be anything, there's just so much to choose from." You are so right, Shiloh. So right.

Also this weekend, we headed back to the Crazy Donkey for the first time since 2006, on Friday. When coworkers asked me what my plans were for the evening, and i told them where i was going, they'd ask "Who's playing?" To which i replied "oh no no...we're going for a friends sister's 21st bday." That's when I started seeing a lot of confusion on the faces of mis compadres. If you are unaware, as soon as we all turned 21, the girls & i would go to the Donkey on a weekly basis. Never ever will i forget the time we showed up on Harley Davidson night. We were the only ones not dressed in black leather, but figured since we were out, we'd try to make the best of it. Ali took it to the next level after we met a couple of dudes (one of which told me probably the most inappropriate joke i have ever been told in my entire life, beginning with the question "How much skin does it take to cover your vagina?") and made out with a fine young man, sporting a Jack Daniels mesh hat, named Mickey. EHHLLLLLL. You can only imagine what goes through my head whenever Toni Basil's one hit begins to play anywhere. I think that was probably the night we realized we could no longer hang out there and hung up our disco shoes. Friday turned out to be a blasty blast though, and i have every intention to return somewhat soon.

Dad & I Put up the Christmas lights up on Saturday. This is my favorite holiday tradition bc it's the one activity me & dad do together, aside from watching the Sci-Fi Channel. I love it, even if he tells me over and over again, every year, "Only 3 strands per extension cord." You'd think he'd know that i got it by now. I decided to rebel and plugged 4 sets of lights together somewhere along the way. =0/ Here's hoping the house doesn't explode.

ok that's it, but i leave you with this...What the F happened to Judy from The Santa Clause? Does anyone know? If i was Michael K and this was dlisted.com, Judy would be named Hot Slut Of The Week. I always wanted to try her hot chocolate. That mug that she served it in looked so fancy & shit.

The rain outside my window sounds like a kindergarten dance recital

I'm getting better at regular postings again, eh? don't jinx it.

First off, we need to talk about this. Why don't i have a poodle masquerading as a teenage mutant ninja turtle??? Being able to groom a poodle in to a chicken is probably the only reason why i would get a poodle. Never been a big fan of the breed - especially since i saw Look Who's Talking Now...shit creeped a bitch out!
Speaking of being creeped out...
1. the curious case of benjamin button - ehhllll
and
2. what's with this Gamestop commercial where a mom is wrapping up a zombie? If you were unaware, zombies are my biggest fear in life. I've had reoccurring nightmares about them since i was 17. Homegirl needs a warning before they pop up on my tv! most importantly late at night!

Today i was minding my own business, just sitting at my desk, eating my pita chips when Doug asked "What are you eating?"
"Some delicious Pita Chips, Doug" I replied
"Oh. How many do you have left?" he asked
That's when, being the nice friend and coworker i am, i handed my bag over to Doug so he could have some chips.
He handed the bag back to me & i looked inside to see how many he had taken. Well, Doug didn't take any Pita Chips....he just SMUSHED THEM ALL till that was left were crumbs and said "now you won't chew as loud" and i had to throw the rest of the bag out.
Now, i'm sorry, but Pita Chips are CRUNCHY. Pita Chips are HARD. There is no way to chew them quietly. All i'm sayin is, Doug - you better sleep with one eye open from now on. You don't mess with a chubby kids chips.

Here are your pics. A couple old ones again. First is of Timberly from the Gym Class show back in October? And the second is the view from our window at work. Take them in & enjoy them like the smell of freshly baked cupcakes.

PS - can someone please buy me english lessons? Maybe "Writing For Dummies"? I feel like it'll help everyone out in the long run.

Detox Just To Retox

i was looking through old pictures to post bc i haven't taken any in a couple weeks. Well, that's a lie, i've taken a few band shots but i'm not in the mood to post them now. The first pic was taken in my garden last May.
Fact: i enjoy shooting inanimate objects 100% more than portraits. I think it's bc you never have to worry about a flower looking unattractive. Mother Nature would never let that happen. Sometimes taking portraits can get super awkward. Being up in someones face, invading their personal space can get le strange, so I try and make my subjects laugh. Today when i was photographing Dan in my office, i tried to relax him by telling him the "What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?" joke. (answer - i can't jelly my dick in your mouth. Thanks for that one Leah) He did not laugh and this was when i realized "maybe that was super inappropriate and should only be told at bars". Perhaps I'll have to take out a new joke book for my next session.

Then i found this picture. It was taken the night we graduated college and makes me smile like a dope to this day. I don't remember much from graduation weekend - success? I remember the boys finding my bra and making the aim face, taking sweaty mexican shots, trying to balance a bottle of vodka on our noses, mimosa's, a certain 2 people making out on an E golf gaming machine at the OST and someone not making it to the bar at all. I remember running into Moody at dinner and you calling his girlfriend the night before, singing her a kelly clarkson song and then telling her not to call his phone again that night. And I remember running in to the kitchen to take this picture, how long it took us to get ready that morning and trying to get our hair just right under those stupid stupid caps. I remember the blisters that my red heels left on my feet and repeating "please don't fall. please don't fall. please don't fall." over and over again on the way to get my diploma. But more importantly i will always remember how much each one of you meant to me then (and now). I don't care if you told me i was "like an orange missing a slice", puked on our apartment floor and ruined the shopvac bc you lost your tolerance, or how many times you tried to kill my beloved Mutsy, a day doesn't go by where i don't miss spending morning, noon & night with you guys.

It's always sunny in philadelphia

I ventured in to a little store in Philly when I was there last month and fell in love with all the stuff on the wall. There were tons of super cool dia de la muerte chachki's everywhere. I wanted to scoop them all up, but i'm poor, so the only thing that made it out of the store with me was this photo.


This would be last years decorated xmas tree...2008's will be 7 times better. I like our tree bc it's eclectic. There are tons of ornaments from all different times & places hanging from it, like a 7-8 foot tall scrapbook. My favorite piece to stick on the tree is this big ball from 1985 which has all the Muppets on it, that i've claimed as my own. Up until a few years ago, whenever we did the tree, Shannon would complain that there were no "baby's first christmas" ornaments for her and that she needed therapy bc everyone loved me more than her because i was the first born and had 6. So back in 2005, I decided I had had it up to here with all her whining and put "Operation Baby's First Christmas" in to action. This entailed emailing everyone in my family and having them buy and send her an ornament to open on Christmas morning. The look on her face was priceless when she figured out what was going on (especially when she opened mine - i bought her a little black baby boy sleeping in a swan ornament) and it made decorating the tree in 06 a much more pleasant experience.

edit: here's the Muppet ball & Shannon & her favorite ornament.

Table For Glasses

oh hello. long time no speak. sorry?

Hope you all had a mah-velous thanksgiving. mine was surprisingly a-ok. I was actually kind of dreading this turkey day. You see, with the exception of Christmas, my family really hasn't celebrated a holiday since my Nana died on new years eve in 2002 - which is actually one of my favorite stories to tell because it makes people feel super weird, and that is why I'll recount it for you right now.
It was my senior year of high school, she was 91 and had been battling a cold when my grandmothers health started to fritz out like a poodle with out it's Prozac. New Years Eve day I had been running around getting stuff together bc i'd be having a small get together later that night. I remember walking into the house after picking up some balloons when i saw that Nana wasn't lookin so good. Picture Britney Spears after the whole umbrella incident but old and not bald, and probably paler.
"I'm going to cancel this shindig" i said.
"No, No, No! I"ll be fine" said my grandmother as she sipped on some Brandy.
So, i did what any 17 year old would do - respected her wishes & threw a party (not a huge one - just a couple close friends). The night went on according to plan for the most part. The ball dropped. We popped confetti poppers & sang Ole Langs Syne...and then Nana died. With all my friends in the house. Talk about an awkward situation. I had to go back into the living room and be like "uhh guys....i'm really sorry to cut the night short....but uhhh...my grandmother just died....so you guys are gonna have to go". I swear to God I'm not some cold hearted bitch. I miss Nana a lot, i've just had a long time to think about the perplexity of it all and quirky humor is how i deal with things. so there.

Anyway one or both of my parents have worked pretty much every year since then, so on holidays good friends took me in like little orphan Annie or i'd make some mac & cheese and watch tv like Kevin in Home Alone (which i'm perfectly happy to do bc i don't even particularly care for turkey). This year Mom & Dad had the day off so we were invited to Aunt Carolyn's. This made me happy & sad. Happy bc i'd get to be in the Hamptons house. Sad, because, well, i'm not the closest with that side of the family. I usually sit at a table and try to avoid all the little kids questions (i.e - "why do you have stamps on your feet?!"/"why don't you have a boyfriend?"/"why am i so much cooler than you??") until my brother shows up or something happens to distract them. However, when we got there, we found out that my aunt's best friend's entire family would be attending dinner, not mine. "Hmm, this could be interesting" I thought to myself. And man was I right. I spent most of the day talking to the Linda's grandson about music, photography and his future at Oneonta and two younger girls about Twilight. BEST THANKSGIVING EVER. By 5:00 my mom had gotten sloshed and from about 5:30 till we pulled in to the driveway at home around 7:45, she asked "Where did Janice & Ron go" every 20 minutes. Nice.

i got home & headed back out to see 2 of my favorite Danny's later in the evening, which made things even better. if you've learned anything about me from this blog, you should know that i love my friends. I especially love getting to see ones that i haven't in a while (ESPECIALLY WHEN VAL COMES TO QUEENS), which is why the rest of this week was pretty awesome too. Wednesday night, after causing quite a stir between all the scalpers at MSG, one of them asking for my number & locking myself in the bank, I got to hang with Dustin & Matt @ the Penguin game. I don't think I've seen my bff Dustin Baker since my birthday, so a Cook/Baker reunion put a huge smile on my face. So did going to Tracks after the game. My hangover the next morning did not. How i woke up with branches in my hair & something stuck in my eye, i'll never know.... Thursday night i went to Rob Hitt's surprise birthday party. i SWORE i wouldn't drink again, but i have a really hard time turning down margaritas. Oops! I came home and was this close to having my mom take my to the ER bc my eye was all jacked up & swollen. I braved it though, and thankfully i woke up yesterday morning with my vision restored. HALLELUJAH! thank you little baby jesus.

Oh! also got the blackberry bold bc my poor little curve stopped scrolling down. I like it. It's super bright & now i can watch the Mother's Day & Cunningham Muffins videos whenever i want

We got the Cook Christmas tree today. After seeing only 3 trees, we found this years. I believe it's the quickest we've ever found one. This bitch is excited as hale to decorate it.

Here are some pics that have absolutely nothing to do w/anything. The plumber was here a couple weeks ago & took everything out of my closet. This was the first dress i put back in & really liked the way it looked.

The Summer Nights Are Dead

craziest week ever.

• monday i went to my friend Rae's bday party @ a cute lil bar on Waverly. I think i'd like to go back there and try a drink. They looked intense but bc i caught the plague, i opted not to have one and save my energy for the following night. sorry girl!
  
• tuesday was 3OH!3. I got to have many a hoegaardens before cutting a rug @ the show, which made me a very happy girl. I love the first sip of a hoegaarden. It's like kissing a boyfriend after not seeing him for a few weeks. Anyway, I don't think I've bounced (like my pants had the hick ups) at a show like that since i was 17. I wish the Boston girls could have joined our dance party.
  
• last night was TAI/WTK. Like 3OH!3, it was the first time i had seen these guys play since warped. That's where these pictures are from. I wasn't so fond of the smell of hotdogs Roseland had goin on, but it was nice to see lots of faces that had been away for so long.
  
• tonight midnight showing of Twilight. I am either going to miserable bc i'm the oldest person in the theatre and i'm cranky bc i'm tired OR miserable bc i'm "bitter" and Smyers sucks...(pun intended?)
  
• tomorrow night is the Islander/Devils game. The Devils are going down. And so is it Whit. Then he'll have to do something worse then drinking Fruit Punch & Cotton Candy. Any suggestions?
  
• saturday is ETID & The Bronx. I'm going to punch someone in the face.
  
• sunday i'm going to see the Radio City Christmas Show for the first time since I was like 12. I can't wait for them to bring that camel out on stage. That's my favorite part. That, and when the little snowmen ice skate. $10 says I cry.
  

Lots of other stuff has been happening too. Two long weeks ago, Shana & I went up to Boston to visit the lovely Laura, Aleena & Leah. So much fun. Piano Bar is insane and i finally got to see the holy grail of beerness - the Sam Adams Brewery. i bought the best gloves ever there - they have a special grip so i can still hold an ice cold beer but keep my hands all toasty & warm.

Also, Alan finally came back. He'd be gone since June so it was so so so so so nice to sit down and talk to him for a while. He made my heart smile.

As much as i'm kinda hate the cold (i feel i met my quota of harsh winters in college) i LOVE winter activities - ginger bread houses, ice skating, christmas, the whole shebang. Things i want to do this winter include, but are not limited to:

• going to the Bronx Zoo during the holiday season - i've done this before & got my face painted w/a flock of zebras running across. it was theee coolest.
  
• iceskating @ bryant park or south street seaport
• put the christmas lights up with my dad
• see the icecapades - it's going to be a good one this year
• tailgate 20 billion hockey games
• have a nice wormers afternoon